It’s Monday, so the chances are this evening I’ll be walking down to our local Andy’s Man Club, to sit, listen, and share the highs and lows of my week with my fellow humans.
(I’m also working towards running a Dads’ evening support group of my own, along similar lines, so I’m there to learn.)
You don’t need to be suicidal or even struggling with your mental health to show up – all men over 18 can attend. Each session is facilitated by volunteers and has a simple, easy structure to it. It's a friendly, welcoming experience, if you want to go along.
The format each week is the same (us humans love a routine), so you get three ‘regular’ questions, and then after a tea break, all the AMC groups across the UK get the same two ‘new’ questions to consider.
One of last week’s questions really got me thinking.
(And you know what that means, don’t you? That’s right – it means I’m going to tell you about it! 😆)
Are you a sore loser?
The specific wording of the question was this:
Take a moment to ponder it for yourself.
What really gets your goat, when you lose? What d’you gird your loins for battle over, determined to win at all costs? What do you maybe even avoid starting, if there’s a likelihood of losing?
🤔
(These were all aspects that came up in the ensuing discussion. It’s one of the reasons I love AMC meetings – it’s a bit like the old Roman Forum, where ideas are debated; all of it metaphor, pointing back to the human condition. I inevitably learn something about myself, whenever I attend.)
I was sat about two-thirds of the way round the circle, so I had a bit of time to come up with an example. Using thought in processing mode, I inwardly scanned through a whole bunch of situations where I might lose, to see how each one felt.
→ creates the concept of time
→ projects off in one direction (‘future’)
→ or the other (‘past’)
→ creates a picture, to the best of its ability
→ hazards a guess at how we’ll feel, inside that picture.
And it’s all made up from thought. None of it is true.
So there I was, actively processing a silent thought-algorithm of ‘hates-losing-feeling = AFFIRMITIVE’ … but coming up blank.
Uh-oh. It was going to be my turn to speak shortly, and I had nothing.
🧠🚨😩 Emergency! Emergency!
Then I remembered we have two modes of thinking at our disposal, stopped panicking (i.e. trying to force an answer) and just sat there instead.
I disengaged from the analytical mind (seemingly the wrong tool for the job in this scenario) which of course instantly placed me back in free-flow thinking mode (i.e. presence) and as the talking-ball was passed to me, I had a sort of a real-time insight:
“Oh, I’ve just realised. I used to hate losing at a whole load of stuff, but these days, I really couldn’t care less!”
🫢
Competitive, much?
Of course the Giles Ego Construct 📦 felt ever so smug at the answer it had just heard, coming out of my mouth – but only briefly. (You can’t satisfy a mind. It’ll always come back for more.)
Because it then chirped up,
📦🗣️: “But Giles. We’re super-competitive about a whole load of stuff. How is that compatible with not being bothered by losing? Are you a liar? I think you might be lying. You should confess. Nobody likes a liar.”
(Honestly, minds 🙄)
Once again, I turned my attention from that useless blibber-blabber in my head and back to reality—i.e. what else was being said, in the room—listening carefully to what was behind the words of my fellow humans.
And it seemed to me that most people were giving examples of things-they-were-competitive-at, more than things-they-hated-losing-at.
Which had me ask the group, at the next invitation to talk:
Which is another one for you to ponder.
🤔
Because you’d better believe, if you and I sit down to play a game, I’m a stickler for the rules and I’m going to do my very best to beat your ass!
But I couldn’t give a flying yahoo whether or not I win.
- If I win, the Giles Ego Construct 📦 will no doubt celebrate at how brilliant it thinks it is
- And if I lose, then seeing you, victorious at having beaten me fair and square will be cause for celebration in and of itself (and I might learn something).
It’s actually win win!
🥳:🥳
Involvement vs. investment
This whole episode brought to mind a distinction that George Pransky makes in one of his audio recordings (thank you to the Daily Reminder subscriber who put me on to that!), which in itself is a delicious illustration of the Innate Health understanding:
→ To be invested is to innocently, but mistakenly, attach your wellbeing to something outside of yourself (i.e. outside-in thinking)
And here’s the key – the two are not actually linked, even though it looks like they are:
- You can be involved (super-competitive) and at the same time not invested (you ‘don’t mind what happens’)
- You can get utterly behind a creative endeavour and yet know that however it turns out, there’ll be learning
- You can undertake exciting pastimes, knowing that you’ll be ok, whatever the outcome
- You can prepare and plan to your ego’s content, and yet not get caught up in unnecessary worry
- You can make seemingly huge life-decisions, safe in the knowledge that you don’t have to get stuff right.
And all of it comes down to this little seeing through the tricks of the mind, as it makes connections that simply aren’t there.
An illusion that became apparent to me once more, as I sat sharing everyday experiences with my fellow humans…
…which is why I’ll probably go down to Andy’s Man Club again tonight.
👌🏻
Giles
p.s. You can work through all the possible combinations of high/low involvement and high/low investment for yourself – it’s a fascinating exercise to do!
Over the years, both in myself and in helping others, I’ve noticed a fairly solid correlation between how invested we are in something and how stuck we feel (because the stakes seem really high, and failure genuinely looks like it could damage who-we-are).
Which makes the solution to stuck-ness a deeper appreciation for the inside-out nature of our experience… which is what my coaching practice is all about, and how I get to celebrate all of your subsequent victories with you.
It’s win win!
🥳:🥳
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