Towards the end of the most recent Daily Reminder (which was quite sciencey/conceptual, and also jaw-dropping), there was a recommendation of sorts – an action you can take.
It was that same ‘action’ that has people throwing their hands up in the air in exasperation and wondering why the hell they even continue to read these damned Daily Reminders, because it was:
🤦🏻
So today I'm going to throw the Reader Ego Construct 📦 a bone by unpicking that for you a little bit; to show you that it's not really ‘nothing’ that you're doing here.
“Yay!” says your left brain, “I've got a job to do!”
(Which is all it ever really wants, bless it.)
And we're going to do that using one of my all-time favourite metaphors.
The Traffic Light metaphor
Now, I need to be up front about this one and let you know that I totally stole this from someone else. It's from Christa Campsall, and her amazing 3 Principles-based school curriculum, called My Guide Inside.
I know she doesn't mind that I've nabbed it off her, because we've spoken about it in the past, and I'm going to plug her curriculum right here, for you to check out:
You can get hold of all the books yourself (in many languages) here: MGI Books
I went through the first book with my daughter when she was much younger, and it's testament to how well-designed it all is that to this day she still refers to intuition/innate health/universal mind/spirit/wisdom/the-infinite-creative-potential-of-the-entire-effing-Universe (basically anything that's not ‘Jobert’) as “my guide inside.”
😍😍😍😍😍
So if it's good enough for 6 year olds, it's good enough for you.
My Guide Inside and the traffic lights metaphor both point to the exact same thing that we point to each time here at the Daily Reminders:
And—as far as I can tell—the trick to nailing this being-human malarkey (and consequently living a life of ease, grace, connection and creativity) is to know where you're at on that diagram, and then to know what your options are for what to do about that.
🚦 Traffic lights—and how they pertain to strong emotional states—are the perfect metaphor. So let's get into it.
Go-signal confusion
Question:
Who here hasn't got completely caught up in a really strong emotion before?
Anyone? 😶
That's right, we all have. Whether it's anger or anxiety, sadness or shame, disappointment or despair, these weather fronts move in quickly and they make their presence felt!
😡🥺😞😳🫠😫
And because they're so obvious, they seem like very clear GO! signals, don't they? Strong emotion looks like action needs taking, for instance, with something like anger – it seems to be saying:
It looks like the only way to relieve the tension of a strong emotion like this is to change the circumstances that brought it about in the first place.
I mean, duh.
But it's possibly the most obvious (and yet easily overlooked) example of the outside-in misunderstanding (i.e. the mistaken belief that our feelings could come from somewhere other than thought) going.
Because it's not ‘the thing’ that's ‘making you’ feel that way, it's the reality that's being brought into consciousness by the current state of mind you're in.
It's the computer-mind, becoming aware of a sensation and then going looking for a reason why.
(And if you're in a low state of mind, ‘the reason’ will be the nearest person to you! 😂)
It's also why ‘annoying’ things don't look so annoying, when you're all bright and breezy.
It's very straightforward, once you've clocked it.
Time to stop
So in classic inside-out, everything's-the-exact-opposite-of-what-you've-been-taught fashion, feeling an emotion really strongly is not a Go! signal… it's a Stop! signal.
As you'll see from this helpful aide-memoire I created for you:
When we get ‘hijacked’ by our emotions, it's giving us the critical information we need in that moment, as you can see on the right side of the diagram:
It's a signal to disengage. To stop:
- To leave our sleeves very much rolled down
- To not send the text or email (or write it but don't send it)
- To keep our mouth shut
- To take some time out, maybe walk round the block and simmer down
- To not make any big decisions (or little ones, for that matter)
- To step back from taking action, there and then, as epitomised by the brilliant book title from Sylvia Boorstein:
“Don't just do something, sit there!”
It's not nothing
I explored this traffic lights metaphor with a client just the other day. They'd been in a funk and they spotted the low mood for what it was, thereby ensuring that:
- they didn't do anything daft while they were in it
- it moved on through, pretty quickly
And we established together that the ‘Do nothing’ amber light isn't really doing nothing. Look what I've written against it:
INQUIRY / CURIOSITY
So it's all manner of things, some of which I've already mentioned above. But it's also:
- Taking a deep breath
- Accepting that right now, there's something we're not seeing
- Slowing down enough to hear what we need in that moment, to let our frazzled nervous system settle
- Getting a bit excited at the prospect of how wrong we could be, and what we're about to learn, when we've got our bearings.
‘Nothing’ includes all manner of things that aren't send-the-self-righteous-email, or just-shout-louder, if… we spot the Stop! signal for what it is.
Getting the green light
When we've got some distance from it all, and the strong emotions have passed—as they always do, otherwise you'd still be the angriest you've ever been—you'll find yourself in a different reality entirely – one you couldn't even conceive of, when you were in the depths of suffering.
When your thinking state is ‘calm and curious’, you'll find your aperture is wide open to possibility and novelty and perspective, and you know what can happen?
Well, these sorts of things (I've experienced them all!):
- You'll be amazed that you could even have considered sending that angry draft email
- You'll realise the other person's position has merit, and is actually better than the one you were convinced was the only way
- You'll suddenly realise the totally unforeseen, and yet face-palmingly obvious solution to a problem that seemed intractable just minutes ago
- You'll completely forget what the hell you were worrying about in the first place.
🤷🏻
So the next time you find yourself caught up in a highly emotional situation, trying to work out what to do, just remember the traffic lights and ask yourself, lovingly,
🛑 Could this be a stop signal?
🟠 And just wait to see what happens.
It could be the pause that makes all the difference.
💚
Giles
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Giles P Croft
Same same, but different.