Whether it's a habit or behaviour that we want to change; getting ourselves unstuck from a position we've held on something for a long time; or just getting a fresh outlook on the circumstances we find ourselves in, I've seen that there are three necessary ingredients for change.
I say ‘seen’, because I don't remember being told these three things, or reading about them anywhere. Having worked with hundreds of people over the years, I just got there in my own sweet time!
I think it became most obvious to me when I was running back to back workshops with various groups of social care staff. The volume of people through the doors was so high, I started to see patterns.
These days I make a point of ‘laying down the law’ with any group or 1:1 client I start working with, because they're so crucial a part of the change process.
So here we go, Giles’ version of how to get the change you want. They're not complicated (the good, really powerful stuff never is), but they're necessary.
First ingredient 🥣
The first thing one must do is show up.
(I told you they weren't complicated, didn't I?! 😆)
Now this may seem almost too obvious a thing, but it is critical. I've been sharing this unique, sometimes contrary-sounding understanding long enough now to have seen pretty much every category of mind-reaction to it going!
And one of those is avoidance.
The mind hears that it's ‘the problem’ and it (quite understandably) freaks out. But minds are sneaky, so it does it really subtly.
It tells people they've got better ways of spending their time. It reminds them that they ‘already know all this’. Or it concludes, very quickly, that ‘this isn't going to help’.
And how that manifests is not showing up.
Therefore, if I'm running a course with a group of people (or starting out on a 1:1 journey with a client), I will get this fact out into the open, right up front: “You might not want to come back, next time. You need to spot the mind doing that, and show up anyway.”
So that's the first necessary ingredient for change:
Second ingredient 🥣
The second thing one must do is be present.
Again, it's not rocket science, and this one generally makes sense to people. Although it's good to explain exactly why.
When, generally speaking, we're trying to get some perspective on, and some distance from this:
…then it makes sense to not be ferreting around in it all the time we're looking in the direction of innate health/presence/wisdom/potential/fresh perspectives.
None of these things sit inside that box. They are ‘unknown unknowns’ and the only way we're going to really hear, or see, or know something new, is to not be in it.
So I'll insist that people switch off the usual distractions (there are so many these days!) to get them in the right frame of mind, but I'll also point out that having a chat with yourself in your own head counts as ‘not being present’ too!
And I'll encourage people to stick their hand up with questions, get stuff down on paper, or in the chat if it's online, so that they can go back to being present and open to the process of change.
That's the second necessary ingredient for change:
Third ingredient 🥣
The third thing one must do is stay open.
This is a bit of a riff on the old adage, ‘If you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to keep getting what you're getting’ … and that includes the way you're seeing things.
So another way of expressing this one, that I sometimes put out there if I'm feeling a little bit cheeky is be willing to be wrong.
As in more wrong than you've ever been. Wrong about the entire way you're seeing the whole of your life!
(Which, as I type it, seems an outrageous thing to say, and I can see why we all stay stuck so much of the time, me included!! 😂🤣)
But it's ok. It's only the Reader Ego Construct 📦 that's ‘wrong’ here… and we're trying to get some perspective on, and some distance from that, remember?
🤷
So there you have it, the three necessary ingredients for change – three things that are such fundamental requirements, I think they could almost fit into the ‘Principles’ category.
2. Be present
3. Stay open
It's a two way street
Now it's important to note that these apply to me too, when I'm doing my thing. So I'll check in with myself before I start any session—group, or individual—to see how I measure up against them.
Because if I can't satisfy these three basic criteria for change, ain't no change gonna be happening in this session! 😆
And I will do whatever it takes to realise them.
So for instance, the other day, in the immediate run up to a session with one of my clients—literally as I was walking through the door to my office, cup of tea in hand—I had a brilliant idea.
And then I had to launch Zoom and get into it with them.
I'd satisfied the first necessary ingredient for change (showing up), but I knew that if I didn't get this brilliant idea out of my head and onto paper immediately, it would either:
- distract me (which meant I would be missing the second ingredient – being present), or
- be gone forever
So I apologised, let them know what I was doing (and why), suggested they consider preparing themselves in a similar fashion, and we spent the first five minutes of our session together clearing our respective minds, ready for change to occur.
💖
How about you?
You've reached this far on a fairly lengthy Daily Reminder. Which means I reckon you've satisfied two of those criteria:
- Show up
- Be present
All that remains, for you to see the change you want to see, is your willingness to be wrong about something…
😘
Giles
Know that it's time for significant life change? Had enough of reading and now ready to sort the problem out once and for all, with 1:1 support?
I help you get the change you need, in a way that's just right for you.