Do you worry about events that are coming up; how they’ll go?
Do you think it would be better if you didn’t worry?
Whether it’s a presentation, an interview, a difficult conversation, a meeting, a test, an exam or even having to leave the house when you’re not used to doing that, it looks like what should happen, if we’re even just a little bit self-aware, is that we wouldn’t be worrying, yeah?
Isn’t that what we’re working towards here, Giles? I mean, isn't that the strapline for these Daily Reminders and haven't I seen it appearing in your email signature: “Worry less, live more,” or something?
(Oh, hang on, rewind. I forgot to append the little red flag to that word, “should” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩)
I was having a coaching conversation with someone who was super-nervous about an upcoming work assessment, in front of a panel. There was a fair bit riding on it, they’d had bad experiences of assessments like these in the past and were getting themselves in a right state over it.
(Don’t pretend we haven’t all been there.)
They’d prepped and prepped some more, tried distracting themselves and giving themselves a good talking to, but nothing had helped, and what’s more, it looked like nothing could or would help, either.
There was a sense of doom hanging over the event. Like going over the top of a trench, into an unwinnable battle.
Convinced there was literally nothing they could do, they decided they’d attend the last chance saloon – i.e. me!
(Ha ha, I love being people’s last chance saloon. It makes for such rewarding work, bringing people back from the brink! 💘)
Together we got a bit curious about whether it might be wholly appropriate to be nervous right now, several days out from the assessment.
🤔
There were very good reasons. It was an unknown. One way or another, there’d be consequences. There were a whole load of missing details for the mind to fill in, and that’s what it was doing, creating a feeling of anxiety as it did so.
Everything was in perfect working order, as far as I could tell. No dis-order there.
Essentially - this person didn’t need to be calm, right now. Right now, there were nerves. And that was fine.
What was really killing them though, was the mind’s insistence that this feeling would persist all the way up to, and through the interview, in which case it would be a disaster.
Ah, now that’s a different matter. That could actually be “the problem”… making things far worse.
I’ve said before, that wisdom is contextual. You tend to get what you need, when you need it.
- Before some planned event, with an unknown outcome: anxiety is common.
- During said event: well, it’s my experience (and yours too, I’m sure) that focus usually shows up.
Between us, we looked in a bit more depth at how we can only experience the Now, and how when the time came, they’d know what to do, and they’d do it, then. It didn’t matter what was happening in this moment!
(As an assessment/interview-type scenario we figured: be present, listen fully to whatever was being said, and respond appropriately using the prep that had been done.)
Ironically, settling in to the MECHANICS of what was going on like this, brought my client the stillness they’d been looking for, right there and then on the call.
As soon as they realised it was ok to be anxious in advance… the anxiety dissolved.
🤷🏻♂️
Funnily enough, the assessment got postponed for a month—“All my anxiety was for nothing!” (there’s something in that, too, isn’t there?)—which made us both laugh, but then a month later I got an excited message to let me know it all went smoothly and calmly and the interview was passed with flying colours.
All from really seeing the okayness of the storm before the calm.
💟
Giles
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Giles P Croft