“How can I help my partner when they're suffering?”
It's the question that got this little mini-series started, on how to share the Innate Health understanding with other people, if they're visibly struggling.
(If you're new, or remain singularly unimpressed, I recommend going back and reading The Journey, which is an excellent starting place, even if I do say so myself ☺️)
You may consider this Part 2 in the series, with Part 1 being ‘Two moods in the room’, where we talked about the significance of this diagram:
Finally (!) I should point out that for the next three Daily Reminders on this topic, we'll be re-examining the 3 ‘Necessary ingredients for change’, because sharing wisdom with someone else is no different from taking on board new perspectives yourself. So you might like to familiarise yourself with that one, first:
Giles P Croft
This is what I like about this understanding: it's simple and logical.
And magical, too!
✨
Step 1: Showing up
‘Showing up’ in the context of helping others, has a couple of dimensions to it – theirs, and yours.
Them showing up
Years ago, when my focus was specifically helping people with career change, I'd just started out on the ‘personal development’ journey, and had seen—for the first time, really—the power of self reflection, creative goal-setting and getting out of your own way as being the most effective way of making big life changes.
If you think I'm evangelical now, you should have seen me back then!! Having escaped its gravitational pull myself, I wanted everybody to leave the NHS to ‘pursue their dreams’ (LOL) and couldn't understand why people weren't as enthusiastic as I was to do so.
🤦🏻♂️
I remember my mentor at the time—who played such a central role in my life changes that she came to our wedding!—saying, wisely,
“Ah Giles, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.”
Again, I honestly think this was the first time I'd ever come across this notion (I'd led a sheltered, very medical life) and it pissed me right off. I mean, I'd seen this for myself, it was bloody obvious, people said they wanted change, I knew how, why wouldn't they just listen to me?!
😂
Thankfully (for the world) I still had a regular job back then, so wasn't really having that many conversations with people, and this tediously true little aphorism only became real for me when I started properly coaching people from an Innate Health perspective.
Because again, to my dismay, not everybody wanted to hear about that!!!
So I learned the hard way really, bit by bit, as it sank in that everybody is on their own journey, nobody really needs to hear about the 3 Principles, and if someone is going to find their way there, it's going to be on their terms, not mine.
(It's one reason why I wrote ‘The Journey’ – so that people who are thirsty for change can identify where they're at in the process.)
But, all that said, if this person you love is looking vaguely horse-like and they're at least talking about being thirsty, then it would be rude not to point them in the direction of the water, wouldn't it?
And that's where you showing up comes in.
You showing up
This itself has a couple of dimensions. And it all comes back to that diagram I shared above – about whether you're both in ‘the sharing space’ (i.e. carefree, rather than insecure). It takes two to tango.
Firstly, how are you showing up for you?
This is covered in the posts: ‘Two moods in the room’ and also ‘Do you know what mood you're in?’ and it's absolutely essential to be in tune with this—to calibrate yourself—so that you're sure you're coming from love, not ego.
Because if you're in the head-space—needing this change—rather than the heart space (nothing on it) it's very easy to just make matters worse. Nobody likes being preached to, unless they're in church.
Relax.
Secondly, how are you showing up for them?
Because this is someone who's struggling, yes? They're sad, or stuck, or angry or disappointed, or feeling like the world is out to get them. Their sense of ‘self’ is really strong, they feel all separate from life (because that's what thought does) and what they need from you in that moment is simply:
If they're going to get into the sharing space with you, this is how they need you to show up. Providing safety. Showing respect. Not being under attack (an ego that feels under attack is a fearsome beast to contend with)!! 👹
From experience, usually the first part and the second part go hand in hand. Your position softens to such an extent that you see the suffering and you see the innocence, and you can't help but show up with genuine compassion.
And you know what else you'll probably notice at this point?
The desire to share or to teach has moved into the background, or gone completely.
Which might seem odd, given the premise of this series of posts. You came here to help, and by the end of Step 1, the urge to help has been dispelled.
🤷🏻♂️
But what remains is something far more simple, and useful… and we'll look at that in Step 2.
💟
Giles
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Related
Giles P Croft
Part One of this multi-part series