Three things you don't know

I’ve just come off a call with a client (who said it was ok to mention this), where we were talking about that common, tricky situation of difficult people, and what to do about them.

It was someone in their world that they ‘always’ struggle with and, understandably, it was bumming them out.

And of course the mind wants to help. It always wants to help!

So it tries to figure it out. Plan. Change stuff. Adjust. Accept. Strategise. Get its crystal ball out and rehearse the future. A better one. A different one.

Which is fine, I suppose, but the mind doesn’t know how stuff really works. It doesn’t know about life. And possibility. And real change.

It doesn’t know anything outside itself, so it can only offer very limited options.

When it comes to future interactions with other people, all it’s got to go on is what it already knows. The past.

But here are three things it doesn’t know:

1. How the other person’s going to behave
2. How we’re going to behave
3. How we’re going to feel, in the moment

(So, basically, all of it 😂)

It will say it does know, but there are actually an infinite number of actions and outcomes up for grabs; all of which are outside of its frame of reference. So naturally, it can’t say anything about those, or even conceptualise them.

(Which a mind really doesn’t like. Minds like to know stuff.)

Now, we only really get into difficulty when we lose sight of that, and instead listen to its limited menu of options; taking them seriously.

Because the other thing that minds do really well, is to look for evidence to prove themselves right.

So if you take that mind-limited view into the next interaction you face (that it’s rehearsed going the one way or the other way, ’cos thats all it can conceive of) then it’s kinda going to make sure that it gets what it’s looking for.

And that perpetuates the issue.

Sorry. (Don’t shoot the messenger here.)

🤷🏻‍♂️

So what’s the answer?

Well, it’s not to brainstorm new ways of facing the situation, because you can’t think your way out of a thinking problem. That’s turning to the mind for answers it doesn’t have. All you’ll get is opinions.

Honestly, I’m not sure I know the answer.

But maybe that’s enough?

Start by being open to something different (regards either 1, 2 or 3 above) happening… which is actually a lot harder than it sounds (because minds are bloody insistent, I don’t know if you’d noticed)?!

But it’s all that’s left if we’re not going to turn to the mind for answers (i.e. opinions).

So it’s worth a punt, eh?

I can’t say I’m an expert at this. I’m human, I have a mind that likes to think it knows stuff too, presenting me with very limited options for pretty much every scenario I face in life.

And I think that knowing that—just being aware that I’m almost entirely ignorant about most things, and that there are way more possibilities and outcomes than I could ever conceive of—is half the battle.

That’s when I get surprised.

💟

Giles

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