Good relationships keep us happier and healthier, yeah?
The longest running study on happiness—that's been going since 1938!—said so. Across all the various domains they examined (including careers, achievement, money, class, IQ, even genetic makeup) they found that meaningful social connections correlated most strongly not only with a felt sense of contentment, but also physical and mental health, and overall longevity.
On the flip side, they found that ‘loneliness is a killer,’ putting it up there with smoking and alcoholism in terms of its effect on our health.
Powerful stuff!
They also make very clear that it's not the number of relationships you have, but their quality (i.e. you can experience loneliness in a crowd, or a conflict-ridden family situation), noting that divorce may be ‘better for you’ than staying in a loveless marriage.
If you'd like an easy-to-digest look into this quite astounding study (that, admittedly has been conducted on a small cohort of white U.S. males, born into a very specific epoch) then have a watch of this TED talk, from the current (and 4th!) Director of the study:
The call to action
It's only natural then, that the conclusion of all this work is to try and foster better relationships, and if you read any commentary on the Harvard study, you'll see advice for improving relationships like:
- Make an effort to connect with friends and relatives on a regular basis
- Be a good listener when you're with other people
- Be supportive and forgiving, of others (and of yourself)
- Be positive – positivity strengthens relationships!
…as well as general recommendations to avoid being alone at all costs. The message is that if you're feeling miserable, you need to get out of your comfort zone to be in social situations, because relationships matter, people – it's the right thing to do!!
Which all sounds fine and dandy, until you remember this inconvenient fact:
➤ 100% of our feelings come from (the Principle of) Thought
➤ 0% of our feelings come from our circumstances
Even the people running the study accept they can't demonstrate that good relationships cause happiness and contentment, so given that here at the Daily Reminders we explore how stuff actually works, let me ask you: what if it's the other way round?
What if happiness and contentment result in better relationships?
🤔
Going out vs. going in
When our minds are quieter, we're more naturally open, present and connected to all those things that we associate with the ‘flow state’, or ‘right brain consciousness’: wisdom, wellbeing, insight, intuition, creativity, possibility, perspective…
And other people.
When we're present in the presence of another, we're really there—in reality with them, rather than in our heads!—and this is almost certainly what the famous Harvard study is measuring, when it finds the importance of ‘meaningful’ relationships to our health, across time.
Presence comes first – you can't assume that it's manufactured from a crowd, and if you drag a miserable, insecure, head-full-of-stuff version of yourself into a social situation ‘in order to’ tackle that state of affairs, you're quite likely to make it worse (hence the lonely-in-a-crowd thing).
If you have even the faintest of ‘introvert’ tendencies—as we all do, at times (studies show that even those identifying as ‘extroverts’ value times of solitude)—and you're feeling low, you don't have to force yourself to be sociable, just ‘because it's good for you’.
Be in tune with what's right for that moment – it may be something you do alone, it may be with others.
If you listen for it, wisdom will guide you towards whatever best helps you to ‘think less, and live more’.
💖
Giles
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