I heard something coming out of my mouth the other day, that made me sit up and listen. It was in conversation with a client, and they were having some difficulties with their partner.
I listened to all the details. The whys and the wherefores, the happenings and interactions. The assessments, the concerns, the conclusions, the worries. The paths that could be taken and where they'd likely lead.
It all made a lot of sense: there's absolutely no denying that relationships are hard, at times.
And after ascertaining how much of this had been shared with said partner, it transpired that for good reason, it was very little.
I wasn't really advising a course of action, or even trying to point in a particular direction or anything, I was just thinking out loud, when I heard myself say,
“Sounds like you're having quite the relationship in your head, there?”
😐
I don't know what sort of impact it had on my client—I'll find out next time we speak*—but it certainly had an impact on me. One of those pithy little throwaway observations that sinks in further, as time goes by.
Because it got me thinking: what proportion of our relationships (of any flavour) actually happen in real life, and what proportion happen in our minds?
If you have a life partner, or someone you share a home with, just reflect on that for a moment.
How many of the ‘conversations’ that you have are real, spoken-out-loud-in-their-presence conversations (what we collectively call ‘communication’, lol), and how much of the business of your relationship is just going on in your head?
🤔
Where we get caught out
Lest you get the impression I'm taking the moral high ground here, I'm really not. The whole reason this throwaway comment of mine stuck with me enough to be writing about it now, is because I realised how much I do this!
I'm a ‘quiet’ person, as in, I like quiet. (I'm almost certain I'll attend a silent retreat at some point in the future – the attraction is quite compelling.)
But no way is there a 1:1 ‘quiet ratio’ between Giles vocally and Giles mentally – because I'm human! 😂
And I think that's fine—it's pretty natural—so long as we're aware of ourselves doing it, and we don't get too lost in the illusion that any of it is actually real.
Because what can happen is that those ‘conversations’ happening in our heads can look, to the mind, and in memory, like they actually happened.
(Even if we know they didn't. Which is no great surprise when we remember that the entirety of our experience—even the conversations that did happen for real—is created from the Principle of Thought… is it any wonder the mind can't differentiate?!)
And so we can innocently bring the content all of those imaginary conversations (and all the actions that your spouse takes, in your head) into the next real conversation we have.
On some level, it seems like they should almost be aware of all the stuff they said and did (in our heads), because it genuinely looks like they said and did it!!
And that, quite obviously, can be a problem.
😱
What to do
Now I've pointed it out, just keep a little informal tally today, of how much you do this. It can be in relation to your partner, a family member, your children – anyone.
How much of that important relationship that you have, is real and how much of it is imagined?
I know which I prefer having an experience of, but you'll have to make your own mind up about yours.
Feel free to report your findings in the comments!
💟
Giles
*p.s. A big impact, I discovered. Turns out, it was just what they needed to hear. They hadn't appreciated just how much of the ‘problem’ was rattling around inside their own head, and this coaching conversation led to renewed communication and reconnecting with their partner 💞
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Giles P Croft
We all do it. Principles, see?